Scene One: Takes place today in our car, coming home from a Home Depot run.
ME: Someday, when you have kids, you'll understand why your Dad & I expect you to behave. Either then, or when you're taken to jail.
BROOKS: Oh, I'm not having kids! I was, but you have to have a wife & I don't want a wife! I'm not getting married. Girls are just troublemakers & they BOSS you around ALL the time.
ME: Well, you just need to be a good husband like your dad AND find a good wife like he did. (Laughter from the audience.) Sometimes you have to put up with a little bossiness but a good wife can make you very happy.
BROOKS: Oh, yeah, by the way, when Dad drove us back from Papa's the other day and we were texting you?
WYATT (he can never wait): We saw his text to you! We saw it!
ME: What text?
BROOKS (by now both laughing): The one where he says he had a stressful day at work & wants to take his smokin' hot, pretty wife to dinner! (Note: It actually said, "beautiful, charming and smokin' hot", to clarify.)
ME: Oh, THAT one. Sometimes it pays to feed your wife a line of bull too. Never hurts, boys.
(Chuck's response: Oh, I thought I cleared that!)
Scene Two: Takes place at home, a bit over a month ago, on a day that the boys were at school & Ryder was at home. I'm cooking in the kitchen. Ryder is on the Mac.
RYDER: WHY is "Lingerie Diva" one of our Top Sites on the Mac?
ME (picture my horror-stricken look, please): Oh, I thought I reset those.
(Note: Then I decide to just be frank. She's 15 & not at all stupid. She will know I'm not buying bras.)
ME: Well, you know Valentine's Day is coming up. You want your dad to be happy now, don't you?
RYDER (putting head in hands on desk): OH MY GOD, I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN THIS HOUSE ONE MORE DAY. TWO YEARS. I HAVE TWO MORE YEARS!
ME: At least you have parents who love each other.
RYDER: UGH. Please shut up.
(Note my response: Oh, I thought I cleared that.)
I'm giving you all 10 minutes to go clear your devices now. For your own good. And that of the next generation. I guess all you "goody two-shoes" get off scot-free!