So the other night he rents The Book of Eli with Denzel Washington. As usual, he asks if I want to watch. And nothing against my dear husband, but after the illness that ran rampant through our house, I don't particularly want to be within 5 feet of any of these people, unless, of course, I'm doing what's on MY agenda. I try to convince him to watch tomorrow and come to bed but NOOOO. Apparently Denzel has something I don't. So I retreat to our room. Alone. To read magazines and listen to Gary Allan on my iPod. I even make a couple last minute attempts to text him --- "R u surrre you don't want to come to bed?" I even paraphrased a Gary Allan song & said, "I'm wearing nothin' but an iPod and a smile...." But DAMN, that boy loves a good Denzel flick. Suffice it to say, I should have just watched the movie. And this, in a roundabout way, is why.
When I was very young, my grandma worked as a nurse for the town doctor. He was a doctor from the days of old, where it cost $10 for a shot and if he had samples of medicine on hand, he just gave them to you. He LOVED the show M*A*S*H & loved to talk about it the morning after it aired. My grandma gave me a piece of good advice that, had I remembered the other night, I would have taken. She said, "Oh, Lord, honey, when he asks if you've seen M*A*S*H, say yes if you don't want to hear all about it!" I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED. Or at least applied the advice later in life.
Have you heard my husband tell a story? I love him more than life but his voice inflection NEVER changes. This is surprising actually, because in high school, he was in both the junior & senior plays & even won the Drama Award for his brilliant portrayal of hillbilly, Patoukah Lindsey. He can be "get-down-on-the-floor-hold-your-stomach-and-roll" funny. Except when he's telling you about a show he's seen. And then Ben Stein's got nothin' on him. "Bueller?? Bueller??"
He started by telling me I should have stayed up & watched it & right there I missed my chance to say, "You know what? I have seen that! I was confused." So he starts at the beginning. He doesn't describe the opening credits & soundtrack but only because it must have slipped his mind. Apparently this movie is about a man, a Bible & a journey, in a nutshell. An endless journey.... At one point, I wanted to raise my finger in the air & say, "Excuse me, but how old is Denzel at the end of this journey? Does he still have his hearing? Is he suffering from ED yet?" It goes on & on and I suddenly feel like I'm stuck at the 1988 Democratic Convention having to endure Bill Clinton's nominating speech for Michael Dukakis. Normally, my friends will tell you I have an uncanny ability to wait --- for a table, in line for flu shots for two freaking hours, for a delayed flight, for a child I'm photographing to co-operate (unless it's mine).....really anything. My college roommate even once said, "You're so patient at stoplights." Waiting usually does not get to me. Unless I'm having to endure hearing someone talk & act like I'm interested. Then the self-centeredness in me takes over and I start to seize. Ok, not quite but uuugggh! He's still going.........Denzel kills a gang of bikers and then they fall through a trap door and run out of fuel and somehow wind up in San Francisco at Alcatraz & no matter how many times I say, "How did it END?" he just keeps going. I realize that if had made a game of it & taken a drink of beer each time he uttered the word "Denzel" I would be passed out & no longer care. But it was over breakfast & I was having MILK.
I DID SURVIVE. And I think Denzel did too but I honestly can't remember. I just know that last night I came in from taking 4 boys (age 8-11) to see Jeff Kinney, of Diary of a Wimpy Kid fame & I walked in and plopped down on the loveseat with Chuck & a preview came on tv for a NEW movie starring Denzel Washington & I almost bolted out the door, drove back downtown & got back in line to see Jeff Kinney with 500 other kids.